Coping strategies

Because feeling out of control is such a major factor in the experience of infertility, doing things to increase your sense of control is a useful start.  This means recognising the difference between those things you can’t control and those things you can.

Seeking information from Infertility specialists, counsellors, support groups, libraries and online (be aware that not all online information is accurate) is a way of informing yourself about the options for you and becoming more aware of those things you do still have control over. For example: you cannot control if and when you will get pregnant, but you can control what you do and who you engage to help you try and achieve your goal. Question information you are given, search all the available options and talk about them before deciding on a plan of action.  Self-care is a critical part of increasing your resilience during your journey – see our tips.

Scheduling a regular time to review your feelings and thinking about your infertility with your partner or key support person seems to be beneficial. This can help prevent infertility dominating all conversation or alternatively not being addressed at all.  Also having someone outside your relationship with whom you can fully share (without being judged) the emotions involved is useful. These people are hard to find-choose carefully! It is well documented that writing or drawing about painful experiences is also often therapeutic. Writing a personal journal, or drawing/painting may be a form of release for you to try during tense and stressful times.

Ironically points of crisis and pain can be opportunities for growth.  Please remember to be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend going through infertility.  In addition, seeing an infertility counsellor can give you another ally to help guide you through your journey, which can have many twists and turns.

Infertility, grief and loss

The experience of infertility involves many losses. There is the loss of the experience of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding for women and sharing in these experiences for men. For both men and women, there is the ultimate loss of never being able to build a family that is the social norm.  The loss of self-image, self-esteem and confidence is common. As one woman said, “How can I be confident that I can do anything if I can’t do the simple feminine thing of getting pregnant?”  The role of being a parent gives direction and when this role is not fulfilled people frequently feel there is a void and emptiness in their life.  Waiting for pregnancy to happen dominates.  A sense of life ‘being on hold’ is common and making decisions about other aspects of life often becomes extremely difficult.

Anger, frustration and resentment are also common responses to infertility. Angry feelings can emerge as a result of loss of control and the loss of choices that seem so readily available to those who conceive without awareness or particular appreciation. This anger may be directed towards each other (if applicable), family and work colleagues, even the cat!

Benefits of support groups & peer support

Joining a local group can be immensely helpful in providing a wealth of services and assistance including emotional support and information evenings. Others in the group share a common experience, and sharing challenges and how they were overcome enables everyone to be better informed, and feel less isolated at a time when friends and family may be unaware of the situation, or unsure of how to be supportive.