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Nicki's story

Daniel and I had been married 2 years when we started trying for a baby. I was 27 and Daniel 29 - we didn’t think our ages would be a problem. Both of us have always been lucky enough to have brilliant health, and after all - my mum had me at 25 and got pregnant the first month she tried. Although I was realistic and knew that after years of contraception, it might be a while before anything happened. We were ok with that…initially. On reflection, probably too accepting and with hindsight I kicked myself for waiting so long to take action. For about 2 years we weren’t stressing, but had no luck. We saw a specialist gynecologist as my 'big 30' crept closer to see what he recommended. We’d begun wondering – was something wrong?

Basically we were told to keep doing what we were doing for another 6 months - but this time, try a little harder, take note of dates etc, and by the way - don’t just have sex when you think you’re ovulating, as it could happen any time of the month. Armed with more instructions (for something that should be pretty simple), off we went for another 6 months or so. Still no luck.

So, back to the specialist who sent us for a few tests - all normal. My ovarian reserve was a little low for my age, but nothing that should stop us. Dan’s sperm count was fine. So, because time had been ticking away, we decided to go ahead with 6 months of Clomiphene to stimulate my ovulation. Half way through the treatment, we took a break as the constant 'fertility focus' had started to get me down. Daily thinking about getting pregnant - either taking a pill, booking an appointment, being prodded / scanned or being told when to go forth and procreate left little brain space for much else. I think this is when it started to break me… slowly but surely. We finished the treatment with an increased Clomiphene dose. Still no luck.

I’d been avoiding considering a full blown IVF procedure, as (1) - I really didn’t think it would come to that, things like that don't happen to me! And (2) - I had built IVF treatment up in my head to be such a big deal (far worse than it actually was in the end). But the time had come – I was 32 and had been trying for 5 years when we finally saw a fertility clinic. More tests showed that although sperm count was Ok, the motility was pretty average - but again, that should not have prevented a pregnancy after all that time trying. I had some cervical polyps removed - they weren’t a likely problem either but we whipped them out ‘just in case’.

Although I’m sure it’s terrible being told you have a known fertility issue, not having a diagnosis to work with or a problem to address whilst being consistently told that nothing’s wrong was more than frustrating - it was doing my head in. The not knowing and putting life on hold had gotten to the both of us.

Eventually after 7 years of trying, we went into our first IVF (ICSI) cycle with a good degree of hope. We’d ruled out everything we could - surely this would work. All our hopes were pinned on this last resort option. So when the cycle failed I completely lost it! And we didn’t even have any eggs to spare. As if to rub salt in my wounds, two close friends fell pregnant at the exact time our cycle failed. I was unable to speak to them for some time, let alone be happy for them. Severe depression hit me with full force, but sadly went undiagnosed so it was another 2 years before I finally remembered what it felt like to be happy again. The fertility journey had consumed me. Normally outgoing, chatty, and approachable, I became quiet, withdrawn, and moody. At work and socially, I avoided any and all interactions I could, but no-one understood. No-one really gets it unless they’ve experienced it. My self-imposed isolation was a form of protection, but looking back I should have sought out others in the same situation for support. I wish I had been brave enough. Thanks to my husband, some counseling helped me realise that my feelings were valid, but still I was definitely not Ok.

All I could do was throw myself into another round of IVF. We braced ourselves for another disappointment, but surprisingly this time we had luck. An actual positive result - I could not believe it. After finding it impossible to conceive, I had a pregnancy that was pretty much problem free - but I could not enjoy it. After so many years of trying to balance hope with reality, and knowing disappointment oh so well - I could not allow myself to believe this, as I knew I couldn’t handle the heartbreak should anything go wrong. So - no baby-shower, no real acknowledgement as I remained in ‘self-protection’ mode all the way until I was induced at 39 weeks. Only once Joshua was born was it finally real.

Apart from my son, two very important (and positive) lessons have come out of this experience.
1. I’ve learnt I’m not invincible and shouldn’t try to be ‘cause no-one else expects it. Get help when you need it.
2. My husband is likely the best husband in the world - living with my depression was an absolute nightmare for him. But thanks to his loving care, enduring patience and strong but silent strength - our relationship grew ever stronger as I realised he was more than up to the task of supporting me when I needed it most. It gave me great confidence for our future - whether that was to be with or without a child. Ladies, please value and include your men. We need them more than we like to think.

To anyone else with Unexplained Infertility, the waiting is so hard and you feel so alone - but you are definitely not. Try to find people you can talk to about it, there are many more in the same boat than you realise, and support is available.