I have always wanted kids – two was the golden number in my mind to make up my ideal family – this was years before I even met my lovely husband.
My story starts in my early twenties with two miscarriages (both pre-six weeks) which although I was sad about it I wasn’t devastated as these little angel babies were not planned – I was on contraception at the time – but it is amazing how fast you get attached to them.
Zoom forward quite a few years to the grand old age of 36 and officially classified as a geriatric mother (ohhh love that title not!) and my husband and I found out we were expecting after nearly a year of trying – we were so so excited and told everyone fairly early on in the piece. I was referred to the high risk clinic at Wellington Hospital partly due to the two previous miscarriages but mainly as I had had two pre-cancerous lesions removed from my cervix and they weren’t sure if it was going to hold out once baby got bigger. Fast forward to the 12 weeks scan…. Disaster struck and we found out that our longed for baby had died at 7.5 weeks. One hospital trip later for medical intervention (we chose the pill rather than the D n C due to the damage already to my cervix) and we said goodbye one week before Christmas 2011. So many tears were shed.
People would say to me well at least you know you can get pregnant – I can assure you that is little comfort when you lose a baby but I would just nod and try put my brave smile on.
May 2012 we found out we were expecting again – this time we told no one. I became a serial pee test taker to make sure they were still positive. Again referred to the high risk clinic – this time I had a 7 week scan which showed a happy little heart beat. A tiny bit of excitement crept in but we were so scared. 12 week scan rolled around and YAHHH we were still pregnant! I cried and pretty sure my husband was equally overwhelmed. We welcomed our son in February 2013.
We decided when he turned one to start trying for another. This is the part of infertility that people don’t really get – secondary infertility – people assume that if you have one you can have another. This is so far from the truth! Months ticked by, periods came and went, frustrations mounted with the timed sex (so unsexy!), pillows under the bum after, cutting down on caffeine, alcohol, taking prenatal vitamins…. the list goes on and on. Towards the end of 2014 we did get pregnant again only to miscarry at 8.5 weeks after nearly a year of trying.
I had a face book friend who recommended a private group dealing with just secondary infertility issues. All of these lovely ladies have had one (or sometimes more) children but are struggling to achieve their dreams of another child. This group saved me. They went through the ups and downs of three more miscarriages with me during 2015. This year after two plus years of trying we are again pregnant and have made it to 16 weeks so far. This is my 9th pregnancy. I am 40 this year. I pushed for extra assistance from the hospital as I didn’t qualify for government funded assistance through a fertility clinic – and I got it.
It has been a long journey spanning over 4 years to hopefully achieve my two child dream. I had depression. I cried and I screamed. It was so unfair. Watching other people get pregnant with such apparent ease cut like a knife.
But I can say don’t give up. It might not happen quickly but it can happen – there does not appear to be any medical reasons for my miscarriages but I kept going – I had given myself a cut off of 41 to stop but it didn’t come to that. I don’t know if I would have stopped at this time……
I hope to be the proud mother of two rainbow babies and 7 angel babies by October this year
Good luck with your journey – stay strong, be kind to yourself, talk about it is my best advice.